Refined and Purified

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart:                         and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matt 11:28-30

I have a plant in my kitchen.  I don’t even know the name of it, but I have had it for a little over 2 years.  After we got the plant, we got a kitten, who eventually grew to a full blown 16 pound wonder! We discovered along the way, that our cat loves to eat plants and, in fact, will eat just about anything green.  (He loves baby romaine, sprouts and arugula for example.) After catching Triscuit, (our cat), eating my plant, I moved it to the top of a very tall secretary’s desk and proceeded to forget it was there – similar to “out of sight, out of mind.”  Well, as a result, this plant did not get watered regularly and it began to wither and fade.  Being a water plant, the bulbs lost their fullness and some of them died altogether, but some remained as I got better about remembering to water it.  New leaves would emerge and reach for the sky – but the bulbs from which they came, never fully recovered.  To this day, they remain somewhat “prune-like” and sad looking – but they still produce.

I’ve become a lot better about watering it because I have learned that even though it is just a plant, it is still one of God’s creations and by bringing it into my home and life, it is my responsibility to take care of it – to nurture it – and to help it along.

This little plant came to me whole and beautiful.  It was because of the cat chewing on it, and my moving it to another place and forgetting, even neglecting to water it – I made life for the plant significantly more difficult and therefore, the plant had to make changes to itself to insure its self-survival.  Even though my neglect changed this plant, it did perk up once I resumed its care, but it was never quite the same.  Now, in its “handicapped” state, it is a little more fragile, but it throws up new green shoots – some still die, but I continue to trim, water, and talk to my plant.

There are many parallels to this story, but this is the one I want to use:

In my personal like, I am very much like this plant.  I was born perfect and whole, but I was born to very imperfect parents.  I developed many “coping skills” in order to survive my childhood and teen years, never thinking anything was wrong.

When I was 17, I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It was through the interaction I had with my new found friends, and the teachings of the Gospel that I learned, through the Holy Ghost, that I could be made whole.  The damage of my childhood had created many deep scars though and the coping mechanisms that I had learned as a child were hard to unlearn.  I continued to struggle for years with depression of the darkest kind.

As with my plant, I made adjustments the best I could with whatever understanding I was given – and like my plant, I had withered in some places, died in others and thrived in still others.  Upon studying the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I learned that my life matters.  I learned it was/is okay to be imperfect – I learned that I will never be perfect unless and until I allow the Savior in my life to help me.  Without Him, I am imperfect.

We are all like my plant – some of us are neglected, some of us neglect ourselves and others, but however we are, the most important thing we can learn is that with the Savior, we can be made whole – even with all our handicaps.

My imperfections combined with His perfection makes me strong and more resilient.  Of this a bear witness.  I would not be where I am today without His strengthening and perfect love for me.

 

Back in the beginning of January, I was in a meeting to discuss the coming New Year with some of my friends.  It was an interesting discussion and led me to a wonderful personal devotion that week.  I will recount what one woman said:

She said, “I usually start the year out by asking myself ‘what will be my Scripture theme this year?’”

She went on to say that once she has that in place, she focuses her daily devotionals on that scripture and how she might incorporate it into the daily makeup of her day.  She then said she takes it one step farther and picks a scripture for each month that correlates with the scripture for the year she has chosen. 

I listened carefully. I was intrigued and inspired.  I took the idea home with me and let it begin to percolate in my mind.  A few days later, I sat in my den and quietly began my thoughts and prayers towards what would be my scripture theme for the year.

The following is what came as a result.

Written January 13^th, 2014

Today, my devotional scripture study was devoted to “Holiness.”

Inspired by a friend last week, I decided to take some time to find a scripture that would be my theme scripture for the year.  I do not always stay “in the box” when it comes to scripture study and I sometimes find myself with books by Christian authors outside of the LDS sphere.  This morning, looking for an attribute of God to study, I turned to a book by Ann Spangler. Praying the Attributes of God.  For some reason, the way she presents things resonates with my understanding and I found myself looking through the table of contents for an attribute to study.  I chose “Holiness.”

For the moment, at this time in my life, I have a bit of free time, so even though the chapters are divided into 5-day studies, because I have time, I sometimes do the whole chapter in one sitting. This is what happened today and I was very grateful because of what I learned.

She begins by quoting scripture praising God for His Holiness.  She says,

Time, space, objects, and people – all can become holy if they belong to God.

In subsequent “days” or sections of the chapter, she illustrates different ways we can set ourselves apart as Christians and be made holy…This is where things got interesting to me.  I found myself questioning,

“What are various ways I can use to celebrate and remember God’s Holiness in my life…?”

As I turned the page to the next section, she says that she doesn’t like wearing any type of clothing that “advertises” any message. I get that.  She then ventures within this line of thought and asks, “What if I had the guts to wear a T-shirt that said “Holy” on it? She then mused that wearing a T-shirt like that might make her more aware of her position in Christ, and her responsibility to try to reflect His Character.  I was with her on this…My wheels began to turn…then I realized, “I don’t need a T-Shirt. I have made sacred covenants in the Holy Temple and I wear those in my heart to remind me of the Covenants and Promises I made with God in the Holy Temple of our God.”

What am I doing to remember???

Moving on to the next section, I learned that God’s Holiness is contagious; that as we strive to adopt His Sacred Values in our lives, God’s Holiness works its way deeper into our lives.  We become more holy. She then concludes with some insights on the Beatitudes, (Beatitude means Blessedness).  As we practice these traits, as well as others offered in the Scriptures, slowly and surely, we become transformed by Jesus Christ, The Holy One of Israel.

Now, I may have known these things, as might you, but I can always stand a review of something that will bring me closer to Christ.  As I pondered on these things, I turned to the final page of the study to find some scriptures on praise and worship of God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  I had a few more minutes and so I began to look them up…I got stuck on this one:

Exodus 39:30

And they made the plate of the holy crown of pure gold, and wrote upon it a writing, like to the engravings of a signet, HOLINESS TO THE LORD.

This scripture comes from the chapter that describes the putting together of the Tabernacle of the Lord.  When I read the inscription, HOLINESS TO THE LORD, I received an insight that added depth and meaning to my whole scripture study today.

As I mentioned above, I am a Latter-day Saint. As some may know, we believe in Temples and the work that goes on in them.  On the outside of each Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, in the front, near the door are the words, “HOLINESS TO THE LORD.”  I remembered this as I read the scripture in Exodus and then I remembered the following scriptures in Corinthians,

1 Corinthians 3:16-17

Know ye not that ye are the Temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?  If any man defile the Temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the Temple of God is holy, which Temple ye are.

In 2 Corinthians, Paul repeats his teaching:

…For ye are the Temple of the living God, as God has said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them, and I will be their God and they shall be My people. (6:16)

It was then that all the pieces of my study “fell together.” We are taught that we are in the express image of God the Father and His son, Jesus Christ.  Through His disciple, Paul, God has proclaimed us to be a “Temple of God” and that His Spirit dwelleth in us.  As this is the proclaimed case, that we are a “Temple of God” and that He dwells in us, then in all reality, we should also have the words, HOLINESS TO THE LORD emblazoned on our foreheads and in our hearts.  In order to “remind” us of the covenant to live holy lives, He provided the constant, loving reminder of His Son, Jesus Christ through the holy Sacrament of bread and water. By partaking and remembering, we provide a spiritual protection for “His Temple.”  Further, through our persistent efforts in establishing greater righteousness in our lives, we prepare a holy place for Him to reside and preside.  By so doing, in all humility and faith, God may come and dwell with His Saints in a most profound and personal way.

It was through this scripture study that I decided “Holiness to the Lord” would be my study for the year.

After thought: The word “Holy” fills me with breathless wonder – To strive for this quality for an entire year! – I imagine it will take an eternity to be as holy as I need to be to be worthy of the blessings and approbations of my Father – regardless of my human condition, He seeks every opportunity to bless me ~

PS  You do not have to wait until January to do this.  Let it work its way around your mind and inspire you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Farewell! My friend.  You will be sorely missed by so many.

I want to thank you for the treasured memory of your coming over to sit with me while I waited in panicked agony to hear how my son was when he suffered from great heartache. Your presence was gentle and loving and solid.

Thank you so much for this; and for the inspirations you gave to my life just by being you!

Elizabeth

With my friend lingering on the fine line between time and eternity, I find myself, as many others are doing, wondering how I might live my life with more meaning, more LIFE.

I have watched from the side lines the poignancy between the members of her heartbroken family….  Heads gently together, whispering words of encouragement and love, just between them, just as it should be…

Yesterday, I went to visit her a couple of times.  I noticed immediately how her eyes were shining bright and clear.  She radiated happiness and light.  She teased me later in the day and smiled broadly as her eyes twinkled…I left the room happy, feeling good that she seemed to be feeling good too.  When I returned later, we watched as the nurse lovingly fed her. While she hovered over her, the nurse asked her how she was doing.  My friend looked up and with light in her sparkling eyes, responded, “I’m happy!” Long will I remember the look in her eyes and the expression on her face as she made her declaration of peace and joy.

Tears fill my eyes, and my heart stretches in painful wonder when I think that the light of this amazing and talented woman will soon no longer illuminate all of our lives from this side of the veil.

Since my friend turned her last corner, I, as many others I know, have reexamined how I am living my life…

In breathless sorrow, I remember the day I sat on the side of my dying sister’s bed.  There was no hope of recovery.  My father couldn’t stand it any longer and I was left to guard his precious girl and hold her hand as she breathed her last…It was only a short two years later that I again found myself on the side of another bed, stroking my beloved mother’s hair as she slowly, but way too quickly, breathed her last breaths.  All of us were devastated!

Then, I experienced another “death” of sorts, many years later.  It came in the form of losing the rights to see my children. I had suffered through the deaths of my sister and my mother and the loss that presented me in my life; but nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared me for the devastating loss that came in the wake of that terrible decision.  My grief knew no depths!  My sorrow would not be assuaged! My loss would never be recovered and I would stumble for a very, very long time from the blow of that time in my life.  My pain stretched far and wide into the eternities as my heart and mind searched for meaning in the path that I was now on…

My heart died during those days.  Slowly, I would recover…but only from the shock…I carried my grief deep in my breast for years.  My soul searched for answers, but there were none.  Eventually, time required that I tuck my sorrow away and move on, but nothing could ameliorate the feelings of loss living in every fiber of my being.  My tenderest feelings remained locked away and carefully guarded. It took me decades to stop crying, worrying and wondering…The experience left me raw and bereft.  It was here, in this world of grief and sorrow, that I learned that these would be my experiences alone.  They would be hard for others to understand.  Not that others didn’t try or want to understand, but sorrow is distinctive to the individual; each experience has its own unique “fingerprint”…a personal encounter between you and the infinite…

My own experience brought deep reflection on the meaning of my life.  The depths of my distress reached deep into the fiber and make up of my core-being and yet, out to the expansive reaches of the heavens.

How could I still be here when I hurt so much?

Metaphorically, I found myself as an empty shell on the beach, still here, still beautiful, but empty as I lay there with the waves gently lapping at me; turning me over and moving me from place to place…sometimes I find myself bathing in the warmth of the sun, and others, tumbled down the beach …very similar to life.

God, His tender, watchful care warms me and yet does not shield me from life.  I must experience it all, the good and the bad; the consequences of my choices; the consequences of others’ choices…it all comes my way…and I slowly learn to face it, front and center.  He is mindful though to care for me and encourage me…How grateful I am to Him! He sustains me in miraculous and unseen ways.

Life comes at us all without apology.  Regardless of how hard it is, there are a few things I have learned along the way…

Never judge anyone for who they are because in the end, we are all only one thing: Children of God.  We are all connected…

Never judge yourself to be better or worse than anyone else, because in the end, you still die like all the rest of us.  It is not who you are or what you did, it is how you defined who you are and what you did by the way you lived your life.

Life is made up of moments in time.  It is like a bank account.  When you are born, you have a savings account of “moments” to spend.  How you spend each moment determines that moment’s value.  I discovered during the most painful moments of my life, that while things and people can be taken away, memories cannot.  Memories live in the heart, captured by how we spend our moments…Moments are like caterpillars…just inching along from time to time, being filled with whatever we choose as we move along…then somewhere along the line, those moments metamorphose into memories and yield a butterfly of infinite beauty reflecting the life we chose to live.

This is what I learned from my losses…

Life turns on a dime.  One minute you are sailing along and then, sometimes, like in the death of my mother or my sister, you only have a week to say, “I love you.” You suddenly realize that time is up and those things you wish you had said or done, are past…Your moments are spent and your memories, for good or ill, are all you have left.  Smells, sights, and sounds…all swirl around gently distilling recall to your mind and heart serving up joy of remembrance or bitterness and regret.

I learned that all of us have a choice.  Life doesn’t have to “sneak” up on us.  We can make each moment we “spend” out of our life’s “bank account” gain huge amounts of interest by remembering that there are no guarantees as to when our lives end or the life of someone you love is “up.”

Many of my life moments have been spent in prayerful regret and sorrow, but through it all, the one thing I have come away with is that love, with all its ups and downs, is all that counts…in the end. Thus it is that through my experiences I have learned not to let my husband walk out the door in the morning without one more kiss…one more “I love you,” one more lingering moment in his arms to tell him without words, how much I love and appreciate him.  I am learning to apply this to all the areas of my life, making sure that all my moments add up to a beautiful kaleidoscope of love in all the relationships woven into the fabric of my life.

I am so far from perfect, as I am sure some of you reading this are thinking.  Nevertheless, I am striving to overcome and change many of the moments in my life which have severely handicapped my perceptions.  It is my hope that those of you who have endured my weaknesses and faults as a person, friend and mother, will have the courage to forgive me and move forward with me to make the future moments we will have together, into something pristinely perfect and filling, glittering in all the glory of Love and sweetness.  This is my prayer…this is my hope…

This is what I have learned: that the value of life is infinitely more valuable than all the cars, fancy houses, designer clothes and everything the world says makes up “life.” Life is really about living from moment to moment, spending each of those moments with purpose, alert that it could all end anytime, anywhere.

There is no doubt that all of us will suffer from the devastating and breathless sorrow that ultimately shows up on each of our paths; but, when we have “spent” our life-moments richly, in appreciation with love for all those around us, good or ill, those breathless moments of sorrow will have a silver lining within our hearts, because we have loved and looking back, we know, in the end, love is all it is ever about.

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all – (Lord Tennyson)

Dear one,

I met you about 5 years ago.  I learned that you were seriously into horses and had some very funny friends.  You liked to sing and you were carefree.  When I met you, you had just come out of your son’s illness and things were still challenging.  Before he got sick, you suffered from cancer while your husband was away in Afghanistan.  I didn’t know you then, but I imagine going through that made you strong and taught you things about the value of life.

We never really became “great” friends; your interests were different than my own, and I just didn’t seem to fit…I loved it when your mother visited.  My mother would be roughly the same age if she were living….your mother is a saint and I have enjoyed her company immensely.  I have enjoyed the association I have had with her over the years.

Now you lay in a hospital bed with little time remaining on this earth.  This makes me very sad.  Your cancer returned and while you went through all the treatment to eradicate it, it would not be expunged.  Then, with an infection in your leg, things did not look good and you took a turn for the worse.  I was so sad.  Losing you would send a shock wave through Pella, and beyond.  So many people will be affected by your loss.

So many people have been affected by your fight, too. Your valiant efforts to try to overcome the illness showed all of us the value of life that perhaps we didn’t consider before.

I have had many experiences in my life that have felt like the loss of death.  Both my mother and my sister died when I was in my late teens.  Then, years later, I “lost” my children in a custody case. No details are warranted here, this is your post, but because all these painful things happened, I found myself living life a little differently than others.

With you so sick, and near the portal of death, I again find myself re-examining the life we all live.  Eating a salad after visiting you, I thought, you would never eat a salad again. Massaging your hands with cream and looking at your once busy fingers with one project or another, I thought of the projects that will now lie still, finished or not. The horses are in the corral or in their stalls wondering where you are with your special love for them.  The fruit trees you lovingly encouraged to grow, will now have to grow without your tender care. They will bear the fruit you encouraged to grow.

I know so little of this last year of your life…but I know that you tried to make quilts, hats, scarves and all kinds of things for all your children that they would be able to wrap them around themselves and feel your love for them in the future when you could not be there in person for them.  This will be the greatest loss for your children. Not being there for graduation, marriage, grandchildren…They will always remember and dream what it would have been like for you to be there sharing in those parts of their lives.

Trust me, they will never forget.

So, my purpose in writing you is to thank you for the unintended reminder that life is far more than horses, quilts and scarves…it is about people and how we leave them each day, for better or worse, because life is not a guarantee.  From one moment to the next we just don’t know what will happen.  With you lingering on the fine line between time and eternity, I would like to thank you for your life. I have learned so much from you, even at a distance. Most especially, I have learned that earth life is fragile and tenuous and we must treasure it not for what is coming or for what has been, but for what it is right at the moment.

I am hoping to see you off on your journey, but I know that it is a sacred time and that your family may not want anyone extra there.  I understand that.

God bless you, my friend. You have been such a great blessing for me.

I am grateful for the Savior’s complete submission to the Will of the Father. How will I ever, ever be able to completely yield as lovingly as He did in the Garden and on the Cross? I have a hard enough time yielding from moment to moment let alone yielding under the pressures of everyday living. I know that God’s influence pumps through the fine spiritual matter that makes up my spirit body; that indeed I am a spiritual Daughter of God and thereby, I have His essence of Holiness and divinity flowing within me through my “spiritual veins.” How can I break through or let go of my human tendencies to allow this spiritual “blood” supply be the significant source of every decision I make? I feel so disturbed that this seems so unattainable and then, within my breast, I know that to keep the “human element” at bay, it takes constant work and surveillance of the horizon of my daily life. I beg forgiveness for my inability to transfer consistency from prayer to life.  Would that my life would or could reflect this love – my desire for greater devotion is far more fervent within my heart at moments like this when I reflect on Father, and His loving “Father-ness,” than when I get up from my desk and continue into my day.  My turned focus on the cares of this world suddenly seizes my attention like a pair of desperate, grasping hands begging for my attention, leaving behind to fend for themselves, my feelings of reverence and awe I experienced moments ago.  Worry and fretting take a front seat in my day as I steer my way around and though the tasks and responsibilities that life demands I address with differing degrees of urgency.

But, my days do seem to be put into better perspective when I take the time to write my prayers and attend to my spiritual education in scripture study and in the words of the Prophets. Somehow this devotional time has a distilling effect on my day and ultimately, my life.  I am not the most attentive daughter, my weaknesses and faults flare brilliantly before me in a myriad of ways – but as Father makes me more aware of them, I am determined to “hunker” down to try a little harder and work a little longer to cast these weaknesses aside.

I have been thinking about the word “consecration” lately. All of the following words help describe a consecrated person or life.

Sanctified: to be sanctified we must go through a sanctification

Dedicated

Hallowed

Devoted

Committed

purified

perseverance

loyalty

devout

vow

promise

covenant

diligence

allegiance

fidelity

fervent

pledge

My definition of Consecration:

Consecration is a divine principle that invokes holiness to a life of purpose. It is a devotion or dedication that springs from a deep feeling of loyalty and love for God, and is a process of righteousness that leads one to live his or her life in consecration to the service of God. It is a hallowing of one’s life to a higher, holier purpose. A vow or promise to dedicate one’s time, talents and everything which the Lord has blessed one with to His Holy Service.

I have had many experiences which have taught me about the law of consecration, but none so “up close and personal” as having the missionaries for our Church in our home.  We were asked to house Sisters.  This experience is teaching me (us) about living the law of consecration.  It is a crash course in recognizing our weaknesses and humbling ourselves to learn all that the Lord would like us to learn.  Like glaring lights coming at me on a dark night while driving, my weaknesses and faults blaze in front of me testing my deepest resolve to humble myself before the Lord to bring glory to His Name through the way I live my life. (Eventually, I hope it may be so.) It has not been easy, but I am grateful that I have been given this experience because what I am learning could not have been learned in any other forum.  Thus, I expose my heartfelt expressions to my Father in Heaven:

I am grateful Holy Father, for Thee. My ability to express my feelings for Thee in human words is woefully inadequate. I would that I could but convey, in the most reverent terms, the tenderest feelings of my heart and soul towards Thee, expressing the deep love I feel for Thy perfectness as a Father; as THE Father ~ ultimately perfect in all things ~ ultimately loving me perfectly in all my imperfections.  I know what I know is a “hairs breadth” of information on all there is to know ~

Father – I am grateful unto Thee for providing Thy most Perfect and most Righteous and Holy Son, Jesus Christ to save us all from our mortal condition.  How perfect is He in His love for Thee in recognizing your loss of all of us if He did not come and fulfill the most ultimate of missions? How pure and perfect is He in fulfilling His mission for our benefit as well, through whose Sacrifice allows us to come unto Thee and Thy loving embrace once again? Whispers of His perfection gently resonate through my soul, stirring up traces of memories of my initial pledge to do all I could to return to Thee with His promised help.  His call to “Come unto me all ye that labor…” is a call from Thee Father, to come home through the grace of Thy Holy and Perfect Son.  Would that my heart and soul could just be transformed and enter into Thy presence!!!!  Alas Thou hast said that nothing unclean can enter into Thy presence except through the “Gate of Holiness,” Thy Son, even Jesus Christ. I heard a quote from one of Thy servants the other day and I loved it:

“The road to salvation always goes through Gethsemane and requires a journey to the summit of Calvary.” (JR Holland)

I understand this.

Gethsemane is the most heart wrenching experience one can experience in mortality.  Each of us has a personal “Gethsemane.”  While we naturally would shun painful experiences, my belief is that in order to become like the Savior, we must live like Him in all things.  None of us will be called to go through all that He went through, but, if we truly desire to become like Him, we must be willing to go through the refiner’s fire: a Gethsemane of sorts.

While I don’t believe that having the missionaries is a painful “Gethsemane” experience, I do feel it is part of the Refiner’s fire in exposing and discarding the impurities of my life so that eventually His countenance may shine through my own. I pray it may be so.

Going through the Refiner’s Fire is a trip to and through the Holy and Sanctifying Garden called Gethsemane.