Category Archives: Who I Am

The three people I would like to meet

10 Wednesday Jul 2013

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Last night, at dinner, my husband told me that he heard one of the talk show host’s pose a question to his listeners. The question was, if you could have lunch with 3 people who would they be and what would you ask them? This led to an interesting conversation between him and me. He mentioned that a lot of people said they wanted to meet Jesus. We talked about that for a few minutes, and I asked him who he would like to meet. He said he would like to have lunch with his grandfather. That was an answer I wasn’t expecting, but that I completely concurred with. As the conversation continued, I mused in my mind who I would like to meet. Jesus is a logical choice, but whom else? Who else has made an impact on my life that I wanted to choose? I was finding that decision difficult. First on the list were Jesus, Abraham and Joseph Smith. My husband said he went through his mind of some people in the Bible. Isaiah he said. John the Revelator was another. Then a rush of other ideas came to my mind. My thoughts were led to others I have thought of in past who I would like to meet: 

Ruth, for her devoted faithfulness and service to God and her people.

Captain Moroni for his steadfastness in upholding the cause of liberty.

King Lamoni because he was willing to give up everything to know Christ;

Alma, the elder, for his courage in standing up for the truth at the risk of his life;

Alma, the younger, for his missionary zeal fueled by his desire that all men change their hearts towards God.

King Benjamin, for his complete obedience in teaching the people of Christ and committing them to covenant.

Nephi, for his unwavering faith and devotion to the cause of righteousness.

Mormon, for the wisdom and insights putting the gold plates together must have given him;

Moroni, for the loneliness he must have felt as he lived in that cave by himself.

The Brother of Jared, for his profound faith.

President Gordon B. Hinckley, because everything about him, made me want to live better….

How can I leave out Paul and his indomitable spirit?

Timothy testifying against all odds.

Stephen, Abinadi, Noah, Moses, James and Peter… Sigh…I can only have 3…but the list could go on and on…

Truth is, I have met all those who are on my list. But not in the traditional way. I have met them through my studies of the scriptures and the words of the Prophets. Yes, it would be nice to meet these great sons and daughters of God in reality; however their exemplary lives are very evident throughout the pages of Holy Writ; ready and waiting for me to discover and learn more about their lives through prayer and personal revelation about how I might change my life towards something more in line with what Heavenly Father wants for me.

Well, as the discussion with my husband progressed, I found another thought or question formulating out of the original one. Considering all these wonderful people and the traits that I admired so much in them, I then decided that I would like to have one wish to go along with my meeting them. It is something like this:

I wish that it could be easier for me to overcome the tendency to sin. I wish the ability to be more righteous came more naturally to me; that the “natural” tendencies for human-ness were more easily overcome, such as my willfulness, my tendency to take the “easy” road, and my propensity for self-doubt. I wish that my efforts to do more good, and be more righteous would be consistent enough so as to “push out” (or burn off) the weaknesses and flaws (or dross) in my character, and leave these new and “mighty” changes as a solid foundation on which to build. Then, when all that is done, I would want my capacity to sustain these new changes to be made stronger and more durable against the tides of temptation and sin.

But alas, there is only one way to do this: In order to change, I must humbly submit to the refiner’s fire, (see Mosiah 2:19), which means to submit to the heat of whatever will be the most useful for me so that I may be made more useful and strong in the cause of the Kingdom of God. Nevertheless, notwithstanding the audacity of my wish, I know I do not sin in wishing for this, because I know it is a righteous desire, just as Abraham’s desire was: to be a greater follower of righteousness. (See Alma 29:3; 2 Nephi 4:17-35 and Abraham 1:2). Therefore, knowing I cannot escape the process of refining, I will alter my wish and request the strength to withstand the heat and the pressure of the refiner’s fire…that my faith may be bolstered by the power of God and my diligence fortified by the examples of those I choose to meet through my studies.

Forty Years

10 Wednesday Jul 2013

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Tomorrow marks my 40th year that I will have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints . Wow.  That’s big.

I joined the church when I was still in high school. I had to write a paper to practice writing for college and I chose to write it on the “Mormons.”  Little did I know how writing that paper would be a life altering decision for me and one that I have never regretted. I was 17 when I learned about the Church and in order to join, I needed my father’s permission. He was very reluctant to give it to me, so since he had to sign to give his permission to allow me to be baptized, he made me take “dictation” telling me to write down that I would hold him totally blameless for any mistake I made joining the Mormon Church. He then made me sign it, and then he signed my card… I have never looked back.

I grew up in a home where we were well taken care of, but my parents did not get along and there was a lot of tension. My mother was an alcoholic which contributed to many problems in her life. After years of difficulty, they finally decided to get divorced. My older brother and sister were in boarding school at the time, but my younger sister and I were still at home. When my parents separated, my little sister was sent to live with my mother, and I went to live with my father’s brother, Uncle Ben. He had 11 children living at home so what was one more?

I remember very little about those days and eventually I too was sent to boarding school.  I went in 8th grade and the school was in the countryside of Massachusetts. I remember that there were soaring pine trees and lots of fresh air. If there were any tensions, they were mostly between the students. I was relieved to be away from the rancor at home and remember that I expressed that relief by being outside by myself in my free time.

I never really did well in school and my father often compared me to my brother and sisters, who did much better.  It was discovered that I could sing well and I was encouraged to take voice lessons. I eventually had a teacher from the New England Conservatory of Music, but because of a lack of support and encouragement, I never fully developed that talent.

I found out about the Mormon Church in my junior year of high school. My teacher said the paper was good, but to make it better, I should have the missionaries come and talk to them about the Church.  They gave me the introductory lessons, but I chose not to join at the time. I finished my paper and got an “A” on it. When I got home to Rhode Island that summer, I had the missionaries over to give me the lessons again.  This time, I was invited to join with the youth group and be a part of their activities and also a part of their families. It was there, in those homes where I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. I saw and felt things in those homes which were totally foreign to me.  Parents were involved and interested in their children. I saw a commitment to work together to make a marriage work and do all that could be done to work as a family.  Of course, in my young mind, I didn’t know these things, but I could see them and feel them, so when the missionaries asked me to be baptized, I said “yes!”

The Church and its people became the example of goodness that I learned to follow.  I attended all the meetings and learned all I could, but the things I learned in the 17 years prior to that from my nuclear family were very hard to unlearn, and I made a lot of mistakes. I have remained faithful through all of it and because of the Grace of God, I have learned that life is a growth process.  I am a better person for all I have learned in these 40 years.  The only regrets I have are because of some of the choices I have made; but even in my darkest moments, I have stayed true to my commitment.

It would take a book to say all that I have learned from my membership in the Church, but the one I will pay tribute to is the Relief Society.  This is the largest and oldest women’s group made up of sisters from many countries around the world .  It has been through the education I have received from this program, that I have learned everything about being a woman, a wife and a mother.  Relief Society has brought purpose and meaning to my life.  With my mother an alcoholic most of my growing up years, I learned next to nothing about my role as a woman.  Therefore, in Relief Society, I soaked up everything: spiritual learning, social learning, motherhood ideas, homemaking ideas, sewing, cooking, quilting…all of it.  I watched from a distance and made mental notes of the things I saw the women doing. I learned about my divine worth and destiny, integrity, hard work, learning, righteous living, service to others, and the joy of womanhood.

Now, lest you think I captured all of this in my first few years of membership and led a perfect life right from the beginning, nothing could be further from the truth.  I had been greatly affected by my parent’s choices.  The wonderful traits that I have listed did not come naturally or easily for me.  In the Book of Mormon, there is a scripture that says:

For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have. Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 28:30.

This is precisely how learning came to me: very slowly, imperceptibly and with much trial and error.  And that is the way life is, it is a slow learning experience which is influenced by our choices and our surroundings. Nevertheless the goal remains the same: strive towards returning home to the God who made you…thus, step by step, I have learned to live better each day from the day before.

The Gardeners in my life

09 Tuesday Jul 2013

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Today, I was reading another blog and as usual, was moved and inspired to write the author a letter of thanks. Having read many posts from this blog, I decided that it was finally time for me to create my own blog. This blog/journal will be my exploration of the journey my life has taken and will yet take and the lessons I have learned along the way.  I have no idea what the final result will be, only that it will be a journey mapping the insights that I have gained through the experiences of my life.

I like my life. Now.  But, it hasn’t always been that way.

Throughout my life, I have been close to my God, my Father in Heaven. He has watched over me tenderly and carefully. My Heavenly Father taught me the true meaning of the word “Father.”  He showed me that no matter how much I tried to push Him away, He would never stop loving me.

I suffered from chronic self-loathing and could not imagine why anyone would love me. But, this perfect Father, my Holy Father, reached into my life and touched it through a myriad of tender mercies; golden threads of love that he wove into the fabric of my life that brought new meaning and value to my understanding of who I am.

Who do I understand I am?  I am intelligent, spiritual, funny, responsible, compassionate, filled with wonder over God’s creations, loving, courageous, strong, and thoughtful.  I live life well on the side of good and try to do what I believe God would want to find me doing.  Sorrow has been my frequent companion and as it has wended its way through the halls of my experiences and choices, with joy flitting around, teasing me with temporary moments of wonder.  It had never been my privilege to have more than a passing “dance” with joy and wonder. The things I wanted for my life seemed beyond my reach and it seemed my lot in life was to “fight” for the right to breathe the same air as those who would snuff it out of me.

My Life: Now

Now, I am married to a man who is a most wonderful companion. He shies away from any of the accolades that I use to describe him.  The first and most prominent quality I ascribe to him is that he is kind. This may not seem like much to the average person, but for me, who has known much distress throughout my life, it has been a great healing balm.  His kindness and long suffering has brought a stillness to my life that has helped me see that I am not the bad person I had always been led to believe that I was.

I arrived in the marriage over 14 years ago, emotionally and spiritually scarred and bruised. My self-worth was next to nothing, although I never let on.  Early on in those days, he saw my trouble and without telling me, decided that he would never yell at me.  To this day, he has kept to that commitment (this is not to say that I haven’t given him plenty of reason!) He decided that there were better ways to deal with the difficult moments and found them.  It was years before I found out about this personal commitment he made with himself.  I lived with a man who chose peace instead of rancor.

My husband is a gardener.  He loves, loves, loves, to go out and sweat and work with seeds, soil, compost and peat moss, and then lovingly, patiently watch and wait for his tender plants to make their appearance on the “canvas” of his garden. Like a loving parent, he carefully tends to his seedlings and nurses them along, making sure they have sun, fertilizer and water. Throughout the summer months, he goes out every chance he gets, no matter how tired he is, and tends to his garden.  He doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty.  The end result of all of his watchful care is the produce that comes at its specific time.  He is a patient man.

Now, you may be wondering why I chose my first post to be about my gardener-husband.  It is because, like my Father in Heaven, he tends to me and our marriage the same way he tends to his garden. Daily, in the garden of our united life, he plants a variety of seeds; a variety of acts of kindness that nourish and strengthen our relationship.  I make the comparison that my husband’s love and patience with me is a small reflection of the love and patience that God, my Father has with me. God has asked me to trust Him as He works the canvas of my life. Weaving a thread here, clipping another thread there; then stretching me through new, unasked for experiences and lovingly urging me to hang on and move forward.  I have been afraid of the perceived pain; but learning to take His hand and let go of my fears I have found new strength.